"" Bleh and Awe: Disconnected

Monday, 10 April 2017

Disconnected

Cue Music.

The weekend of colours and I was at home, maybe the first time during Holi in the last 3 years. Mom's cooking, a marriage anniversary and a few odd jobs; was fun. Had been missing family and friends back home. It is one of our idiosyncrasies that we connect best with the folks we grew up with, but even so, people change. All the time. Some incident or jealousy or fear or ambition, it's a good thing to change yourself. Keep on reinventing and trying out new things. It is equally balanced to assume that darkness is the absence of light, and we all return back to our vices, at some point or the other.

At college, miles away from the cocoon of home and my hometown, meeting new people is..normal. Different human beings with different trains of thoughts, some mentalities downright outrageous, some thought provoking and some, aligned with yours. As social animals, making connections is natural to us, though some of your might consider yourself to be a lone soldier. Sure, we're all slightly unique and that's beautiful. People Change.

I carry an assumption/expectation. I want all my loved ones, friends, family, pets to have an upward growth curve. Being more sensitive to others. Doing right by themselves. Overcome your issues. Disciplined. Magnanimous. Not to stand by dishonesty. Humanitarian. A sense of purpose. Being warm, and genteel humans. The sense of brotherhood. Frequent reality checks and balances. Healthy, mentally and physically. Qualities I want to ingrain within myself too, and others, as an overall sense of positivism and vitality.



But People Change. 


Why.

Back in college, the first year, I had met some wonderful folks, at least they were naive enough to be wonderful. Boys and girls who missed home. Who missed their Mom's cooking and their Dad's long drives. Pain and fear as emotions bond us, humans, the best. We all grew up with a sense of friendliness and love most of us had never experienced. Nobody had it going good, some of us brought some very wrong manifestations and actions (read: attention seeking) all the way back from home. I truly believe we're all incompletely constructed products, designed to change. Slowly we all got to learn about each and how terribly a pain-in-the-ass anyone can be. People change, and quickly.

We all love to eat, and I love the restaurants here at Bhubaneswar. Especially going out with friends. Our buddy group, 8 people, shared almost everything, and it was all fun.

But People change, and oh, some get fucked up.

We all met up a few weeks back, in 2017. And I was shocked. Yes, I had changed too, and yes, I too had inherited vices, and yes, nobody is perfect. But God. Everyone of that old group had turned putrid. Maybe it was just me. Abusive, narcissistic, and obsessed with materialism, these 'friends' had butchered everything I loved about them. I was a fault too,  and the whole conversation turned sour. I felt so out of place and will avoid ties. Burn down the bridges. No more. Anyways, nobody is going to communicate with each other after a few years of college, everybody will be busy with their careers and family. Might as well accelerate the process.

It felt so bloody disconnected.

Over and over, we are all terrible at expressing ourselves. and the curse of communication shall continue to ruin and incur the adamant pain of never understanding ourselves and each other. What's worse, we really do not want to. We embellish stories to make yourself sound cool, making yourself larger than life with an afterglow of bullshit.

I'm tired of pretentiousness, I'm tired of the bickering, I'm tired of all the hate, I'm tired of all the negativity we have for each other for forgivable fuck-ups, I'm tired of explaining, I'm tired of patching up friends. Drifting apart was guaranteed, let's get on with the process. Silence is golden, and screw speeches. Eventually, we lose countless family and friends from the cradle to the grave. We say we're killing time, but the reverse is true; time is killing us. Just let go of all the headaches. It's okay to be sad, but sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Remove them from your lives, get rid of the things they gave you which make you sad. Memorabilia is a virus of the ones stuck in the past.

The things and the people who cause you pain and trouble are simply not worth it. Being alone is okay, and we do not have to surround ourselves with people all the time to feel 'loved' or 'belonged'.

If we're bound to disconnect, sometimes, just unplug.